toward a future

it seems that i've loved you countless times, over and over, in life after life, forever.
each time you come and go, taking bits of who i was, stealing pieces of my heart, we start over to do it all over again, forever.
you have given me endless love, endless sorrow, and an idea of tomorrow that for the first time in a long time, i know what to do with.
i know what i want my life to look like meeting at the tavern on the edge of the world.
today, i begin my forever without you, looking to someone who will love me for me and see all the beauty i can give the world.
who will look into my eyes and without hesitation or doubt give me their breath or their heart beating in their chest without thought.
i will not ask anymore, to be given the world.
someone now, will give it to me freely.

remember

Remember me when i've flown away,
off to the farthest place of the farthest land,
where you can no longer touch me sweet,
or no longer hold my hand.

Promise to remember me,
in times of beauty dared,
fallen deep into the chasm of forgotten plans,
that you and i once shared.

If days apart should carry their weight,
and begin to tear at your heart,
then let me go, my dear, my love,
into a future i have yet to start.

nine lives

like a cat with nine lives, i live life giving mine away.
i am twenty-four now and the years have flown, amassing an irreverent distance from times of innocence and unimaginable happiness once imagined in the mind of a child.
what do i have left in my palatable hands, but mud and seeds with nowhere to land?

my body is annihilated, its seams torn for the second time. two lives down.

far off into the distance, on the side of a world too far away in memory to recall, if you look closely at the curious patterns etched onto the surface of my skin, the road map to places i've been, you'd see love and reverence for a life i hold within these hallowed walls of troublous self-loathing.
smeared memories of fear and doubt and love and laughter over caked mortar baking in the sordid sun and times to come.
here, now, are to the remaining years without.

i am

i am as nude as the back side of a smooth rock,
the kind that has been places, gently touched,
cupped in the hands of adoring passers looking into the eyes of my past.

buttoning up my shirt to the edge of my shore,
my hat on top of my head to stave off the onward sun,
i've become part of this landscape, rich and wise, waiting for someone to find me,
to lead me through the sea of lilacs i can see across the ocean, over there on the other side.

slo loved once

it's both heaven and hell to me. it's hard to go back to those days that have been trapped in memories too good to actually go back and remember because you aren't here with me anymore and i'm trying so hard to forget.
that place, it calls my body back to experience things i had years ago with people that i loved and touched back then. fingers memorizing places we'd been together.
so, now i'm trying to make new memories with people that i love now. people who are with me now. some of them are the same, some are definitely new.
but i know, i know that i will always have this place that i loved so much, this place that i once loved with you.

stuck syndrome

i heard it on the radio, a song recalling the smell of sun in the air on the breath of parting lovers.
hearing it moved me in ways i can't compare to anything else. sitting here, listening to what was once a picture of my happiness over there, where you are always, changed how i see things. things are ringing clear now, hovering over grand people and places where fun is to be had.

redemption

today, sitting in the pew of a cathedral by the bay, a piano and a violin take me away to a place that is pure, where harmony meets melody making love to sounds that get under my skin, making me forget where i've been and make me feel something like myself again.
ribbed vaulting and marble columns capture the music that this angel plays so fast, like capturing a firefly in a glass jar just to sit and watch it glow and make life a little brighter than it was before.
her fingers move as if every stroke is bringing us closer, she moves as if to show me that if she goes faster she could make time everlasting so we'd have enough time to continue smiling after.
that was something i did before you. along the way, on the road of confusion to chaos, i forgot how to smile.
she knows my pain, she knows why i can't cry anymore and feel secure in my skin. she sees my doubts, she can see it bleeding from my knees as i lay there at her feet, reaching out, trying to touch something good, something sacred.
before i was empty i was beautiful. trees calling out my history to the howling wind whispering words of beauty nymphs would remember to tell people who passed by. though, that was a long time ago, before the rain came and i took comfort in pain-soaked days, wiping away all the good i had inside me.
today, playing the violin in a cathedral by the bay, she rescues me,
and now i know i'll be ok.

here's to

here's to the days we spent laying in parks, taking pictures of nothing in particular, sometimes of each other, smiling because nothing on earth could be better.
to all those times we laughed and cried together, softly touching hearts.
i will always remember our past fondly, blue skies and perfect.
that's what i want to give you. no more hurt, no more pain.
just how we danced in days of beauty.
blue skies and perfect.

walks

i came home from you having walked through rain-soaked parks of early spring.
in my arms i carried the last moments of you and i, wrapping them around my body so that when i ran out the door and took three years of us with me, i would still have something to hold onto.
i knew when i left, when i kissed your lips and said i love you, it was for the last time and that i would never come back to the days that we shared. there's too much pain there, too many memories trapped in photographs that i can never let go.
now, i come home from having fondly recalled the mornings i would look at you silently sleeping, dreaming of how much i would love you when you opened your eyes, and the nights i would hold you dearly, when everything seemed so clear and full of wonder.