you don't know, i don't know

each time we come and go it's the same:

i don't know if i can do this anymore. i know you've said these words before, but this time, i think this time it feels different because this time i find that it's me who's saying them.
so maybe this abhorrent realization crashing inside means we tried hard and cried too long already. pushing out i'm sorry and i love yous like giving birth to the obligation weighing around our necks, just sitting there, dead weight complicating matters more by self-righteously burning holes in the picture of our perfect landscape.
you and i both know how hard it is to see clearly across a blurred horizon painted with tears. maybe now we'll be able to let go of all the reasons we held on for so long and take steps toward walking hand in hand with shadows that will take us on a long journey to places we've never been. places that seemed reachable before impenetrable walls ate them alongside our happy dreams and memories.
sometimes it seems that peace is there, around the corner somewhere waiting to give us a future.
except, i'm incapable of feeling peace,
so emotions of beauty are hard to come by.
i don't know if it's right to sometimes close my eyes at night and have your face be the last thing i see just before the nightmares gaze into my soul as if they already know where to go to raise hell in places that should feel safe like heaven, safe like knowing no matter what happens today, tomorrow will come again to bring a smile on the lips of the woman i love. my partner, my lover, my soulmate.
for me, sleeping tight means i'm grasping so hard at something in the night trying to imagine it being you, when it's not. so every morning i wake up a whole person torn in two, a body with half a heart turning blue beating somewhere outside the tick-toc of time distinctly following nothing distinct anymore. trying to catch some breeze just beyond this black hole of memories that's sucking me down farther and farther into an alternate universe of possibility without a stable home to return to, a home that i wanted so completely to be you, but it couldn't because you don't even know what home means to me. you don't even know how important that word could be. you don't know what the gentle eyes of safety and security could see without making doubt a reoccuring affliction. they are just words that you throw around freely without ever blinking twice or thinking just once that the consequence of losing me could be real.
i don't know if i can live like this.
you don't know if you'd miss this?
you don't know if it's me you want?
well, now i want to be happy. i wanted to be happy with you, but this time,
this time it feels different.