you

i was twenty-one when i was reintroduced to you. although i had known you for years, it had been this sort of removed friendship that would come and go as we entered and left each others lives, free and unrestrained. you'd come over and talk to me about your day, or try to get me to play basketball. i would never play basketball with you, for a few reasons, starting with i hate playing that game, ending with a muffled i love you.

for a very long time, i kept us from happening. i didn't dare go there. although sometimes, in a moment's weakness, my mind would wander and i would find myself thinking about weird things like your hair, or your toes, or the taste of your saliva in my mouth. it went on that way for quite some time, we couldn't have each other, and it was better that we maintained this sort of reverent distance that feigned intimacy, yet clearly defined where we could and could not go. what you could and could not touch, as a friend of course. although, looking back, you'd touch me every day in ways that were off limits. with every look you weren't supposed to give, you'd stick your hand right into my chest and touch my heart as if to jump-start this love affair without a care about the rules. and it was this way until the day i actually let you do it to me, stick your hand into my body and touch my soul, which you did.

you and i started out like that until i could no longer hold onto the pieces of my life. no longer free to choose anything but you because i couldn't see anything else in front of me, and i was completely ok with that, ok with seeing only you. as i lost control of my actions, it became obvious that something else compelled me. something else drove me to you in ways that i tried so hard not to.

i don't have all the answers, now. nor perhaps did i ever. but i do know that i tried not to love you, with every inch of my being i tried to hold onto the pieces of my heart without throwing them at you, daring you to put them back together. you should know now, that although i tried and failed, i feel like the luckiest woman because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.